See our 10,000+ antique postcards on eBay:Uffdahhh
contact us at: email@example.com
SHOWS We will have over 1,000 vintage reproduced signs
we sell at outdoor shows.
2016 was a fun year with 21 shows.
We expect to have at least that many in 2017!
Make sure you visit our store at the cedar Creek Mall near Wausau Wisconsin. We are next to the theater.
ABBA Going to the Dogs! Check out this great You Tube by
a pet rescue operation in Raleigh, NC: ABBA Dogs & Cats
Make sure you turn up the volume - bet you can't get the song out of your head :)
Having shot a moose,
Ole and Sven began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.
On the way they were stopped by a game warden.
"Let me see your hunting licenses guys," he said.
When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he
could give them some advice
"Sure, you betcha!" the hunters agreed.
"Well guys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier to
be draggin tha moose by the horns and not the tail."
"Ya, ok and tanks," they said.
After about five minutes Ole said to Sven,
"Boy, draggin it by da horns is sure a lot easier!"
"Ya, you're right," says Sven, "but have you noticed dat vee are
getting furder avay from da truck?"
Thanks Paul! Norwegian Prayer
May da ruts always fit da wheels in your pickup.
May yur ear mufs always keep out da nort wind.
May da sun shine varm on your lefse.
May da rain fall soft on your lutefisk.
And until ve meet again,
May da Good Lord protect ya from any
and all unnecessary Uff Da's.
"Ya tink, or no?"
Norvegian visitors, or dose dat vant to be.
Uff da is often used as a
term for sensory overload.
It can be used as an expression of surprise,
relief and sometimes dismay. (Wikipedia)
Ole & the Penguin
Ole was walking down the road with a penguin
when a policeman saw them and approached Ole. "Take that penguin to the zoo." "Do I have to?" "Take that penguin to the zoo now!" "Oh all righty den". So Ole and the penguin head off to the zoo. The next day the policeman sees Ole and
the penguin going down the same road again
and gets very cross. "I thought I told you to take that
penguin to the zoo." "I did. Yesterday ve vent to da zoo,
today ve're going to da cinema.
...thanks for the joke from Nils in Brumunddal Norway!
Ole Goes to New York City
His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota,
a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?"
His name was Ole. Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.
...thanks for the joke from Paul - "the Jeep Nut"
and Ole were sipping their
beers when a
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
going to do dat when I vin da lottery,"
vhat?" asked Ole.
my lawn out to be mowed."
Lena says to Ole "I found dis pen, is it yours?"
Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here"
He then tries it and says "Yes it is"
Lena asks "How do you know?"
Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting"
Sven and Ole were carpentering on a new house. Sven who was nailing down siding
would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his
shoulder or nail it in.
Ole, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you trowing dose nails avay?"
Sven explained, "If I pull a
nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I trow it avay 'cause it's
If it's pointed toward da HOUSE, den I nail it in!"
completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!!
Da nails pointed toward you aren't
Dare for da OTHER side of da house!!"
Why did Lena wash her clothes "in Tide"?
Because it was too cold "out Tide".
da great hunt
Sven and Ole
were out deer hunting in da big woods up 'bove EauClaire. Dey managed to flush
out and shoot a nice, fine, big buck with a spectacular rack. Dey're draggin it
back tru da woods to their truck but the rack keeps getting tangled up in da
underbrush and dey're having a real hard time.
A game warden stops them
to inspect their prize. With everything legal, the game warden congratulates
them. he notices the deer's antlers are full of brush and he can see "da boys"
have been having trouble. He says, "that's a fine buck ya got but it looks like
you're having a lot of trouble dragging it out of the woods. It would be a LOT
easier if you drag it the other direction".
The warden leaves and "da
boys" try dragging the buck from the other end. They are amazed because now the
antlers move freely and don't get stuck in the brush.
Ole says to Sven,
"boy dat Varden vas right!, it is a lot easier dragging it dis vay". Sven says
"yah Ole, but ve're getting a lot furder avay from da truck."
Ole and Sven are walking down a street in Minocqua WI, when they see a
on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50
Ole says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob
of dese, take
'em back at Dulute, sell 'em to our friends, 'n make a
fortune. Now when we go in der, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do DA talkin
cuz if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink we're ignorant 'n try to cheat
No way, dey'll know we're from Minnesota."
They go in and Ole
says with his best "Wisconsin" accent, "I'll take 50 of those suits at
$5.00 each, 100 of those shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
I'll back up my pickup and.."
The owner of the
shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"
says a surprised Ole. "How'd ya know dat?"
"Because this is a
Here is the largest selection of pig oilers that I
have run across at the Calumetville WI tractor show last September. Pig oilers are typically made of cast iron (very heavy), and
used by pigs to rub up against and get "oiled" to minimize insect/parasites
(plus I figure probably feels pretty darned good!).
Ole, while not a brilliant
scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all
over the country were coming to Minnesota to have
portraits done. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if
he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this
request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay
$50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said
to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta
leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
Uff da! Store
Located between Oshkosh and ASS OUT
Ole is getting ready to
celebrate his 50th anniversary and Sven says,
"Vhat are you going to do
Ole says "Vell, for my 20th
anniversary I took
Lena to Norvay".
Sven says, "Dats nice, so vhat
are you going to do to
Ole says, "I tink I'll go pick her up."
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I
looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65
miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a
man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my
ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT
The Aurora Borealis
This amazing video shows the aurora, also known as the
Northern Lights, which recently appeared over Kirkenes-Fjell, Norway .
Press the picture and enjoy the 2 minute video!
Subject: VERY Cold Winter
It's late fall and the Indians on a
remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter
was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society,
he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he
couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be
cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an
idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this
winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
the weather service
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called
the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to
be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again
replied, 'it's going to be
a very cold winter.'
The chief again went
back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather
Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it
to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,'The Indians are
collecting alot of firewood'
Norwegian Royal Guard.
What a great performance - on ice! Press here
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & thin body.
And please God, don't mix these up like you did last year.
Ole is 90 years old. He's played
golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
"Dat's it," he tells Lena. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has become so bad dat once I hit da ball I couldn't see vere it
Lena sympathizes and gets him a shot of aquavit. As they sit down
she says, "Vhy don't you take my brother Sven wit you and give it one more
"Dat's no good" sighs Ole, "your brother's a hundred and tree.
He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Lena, "but his
eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Ole heads off to the golf course
with 103 year old Sven. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the
He turns to Sven and says, "Did you see da
"Of course I did!" replied Sven. "I have perfect
"Vhere did it go?" says Ole.
(Once going down and
another coming back up)
Wikipedia: Lutefisk (Norwegian) is a traditional
dish of the Nordic countries and parts of the
Midwest United States. It is made from aged
stockfish (air-dried whitefish) or
dried/salted whitefish (klippfisk) and lye (lut).
It is gelatinous in texture, and has an
extremely strong, pungent odor.
Its name literally means "lye fish."
I just got off the phone with a friend, Lena,
She said that since early this morning the snow
nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind
is increasing to near gale force.
husband, Ole, has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse,
she may have to let him
Show and Tell
Kindergarteners were instructed to
bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
1st student got up in front of the class & said, "My name is Benjamin. I am
Jewish & this is a Star of David."
The 2nd student got up & said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The 3rd student
said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is hotdish.
Wikipedia: Hotdish is a variety of baked casserole that typically
contains a starch, a meat or other protein, and a canned
and/ or frozen vegetable, mixed together with canned soup.The dish is popular with Lutherans in Minnesota. and Wisconsin..."A traditional main
course, hotdish is cooked and served
hot in a single baking dish and commonly appears at family reunions and
Ole and Sven are
standing at the base of a flagpole in West Salem, looking up.
woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
“Ve are supposed to find da height of da flagpole,” says Sven, “but ve
don't haf da ladder.”
The woman takes a wrench from her purse,
loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from
her pocketbook, takes a measurement, announces, “Eighteen feet, six inches”, and
Ole shakes his head and laughes. “Ain't dat just
like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!”
Lena was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket near Boyceville, WI. When
she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?' Lena replied, "A
can of peaches."
The judge asked her how many peaches were
in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, 'Then I will give
you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Ole stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The
judge said, "What is it?"
Ole said, "She also stole a can of peas."
If you are ever attacked by
a group of clowns,
always go for
A group of seniors
were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so
weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said
another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head
because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!"
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still
You may need to be from Wisconsin or the U.P. of
Michigan to appreciate this story.
The year is 2016 and the United States
has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A
few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her
Father, Ole, and says, 'So, Dad , I
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't tink
so. It's an 18 hour drive."
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air
Force One.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know.
Everybody will be so fancy. Vhat would your mother vear?'
Oh Dad ,"
replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom- made by the best
designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Ole complains, 'you know I can't eat dose rich foods you eat.' Do day serve tap beer ????
President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled
by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You
and mom just have to be there.'
So Ole reluctantly agrees and on January 20,
2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front
row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next
to him leans over and whispers,
'You see dat woman over dare wit her hand on da Bible, becoming
President of da United States?'
The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I
Ole says proudly, "Her brother played football for da Green Bay
Ole was telling Sven, "I jus bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four tousand dollars, but it's state of da art. It's perfect."
answered Sven, "What kind is it?"
Ole replied "Twelve turdy."
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I
jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!"
Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack
for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end
of da week!"
Ole is sitting
at home alone when he
hears a knock on the front door.
There are two
sheriff's deputies there.
He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies
asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a pictureof his
Ole says "sure"
and shows him a picture of his wife, Lena.
The sheriff says,
"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a
Ole says, " I
know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the
doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the
first time in many years.
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup.
The doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman replies, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my
will three times!".
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking:
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean
spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the
son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few
times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
And now you
Norwegian IT Support
The world’s very first tech support person is
shown on this rare video from centuries ago.
You won’t want to miss the drama unfold as
the technician effortlessly handles every difficult question from the user. Norwegian language film with subtitles.
Yet Lena had stayed by his bedside every
One day, when he came to,
he motioned for her to come
As she sat by him, he whispered,
full of tears, 'You know vat?
You have been vith me all tru da bad
Ven I got fired, you vere dare to support
my business failed, you vere dare.
Ven I got shot, you vere by my
Ven we lost da house, you stayed right
Ven my health started failing, you vere still by my
You know vhat Lena?'
'What dear?' she gently asked,
smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to tink you're bad
Ole was hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway.
first day he painted ten miles.
The second day he only painted five miles.
His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started
off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest.
But when Ole came back to work the next day,
he only painted half a mile.
So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less
and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple, " Ole answered.
"I've been getting furder avay from da
Is There Baseball In Heaven?
Ole and Sven had been best friends for years, and they both live totheir early 90's,
when Ole suddenly falls deathly ill. Sven comes to visit him on
his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when Sven asks, "Listen, ven you die, do me a favor. I vant to know if
dare's baseball in heaven."
Ole said, "We've been friends for years, I'll do dis for you." And then Ole dies.
couple days later, Sven is sleeping when he hears Ole's
voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news
is dat dare is indeed baseball in heaven."
da bad news Ole?"
pitching on Tursday."
Ole was driving home after picking up some lutefisk
& got caught in a really bad
His car, a blue AMC Pacer, was covered with dents,
so the next day he took it
to a repair shop in Boyceville.
Sven, the shop owner, decided to have some fun...
He told Ole to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
& all the dents would pop out.
So, Ole went home, got down on his hands & knees & started
into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So he blew a little
still nothing happened.
Lena saw him & asked, 'Vat
are you doing?'
Ole told her how the repairman had instructed
him to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Lena rolled her eyes & said,
'Ole, you need to
roll up da vindows first.'
Ole stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what
eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down,
waggled again, but didn't start
his back swing...
Finally his exasperated partner Sven asked,
'Vat in the
Vorld is taking so long?'
'Lena is vatching me from da clubhouse
Ole explained. 'I vant to make a perfect shot.'
Sven said, 'You don't have a chance
hell of hitting her from here..."
Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip
and returned with only one
"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said
"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting
we didn't catch any more."
What did the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table?
. . . "Hurry up
and Finnish your Danish!
Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on
his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the
"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home."
Lena says, "Be
careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da
"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred
cars going da wrong vay!"
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena
could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor
came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good
news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby will be delivered
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy
baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
Honk if you love Jesus,
Text while driving if you want to meet him!
Ole and Sven were out on the lake fishing,
Ole says to Sven,
" Sven, I
tink I'm going to leave Lena"
Oh? why is dat Ole?
"Vell Sven, she
hasn't talked to me in nearly 2 months
and von't tell me vat I did."
After a few minutes, Sven says to Ole.
" Ole, I vould tink twice about
woman like dat are hard to find"
tusen takk to Steve in Rush City, MN
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother
me too much. It never
smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been
here in your office. You
didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
"I see.. Take these pills and come back to see me next
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't
know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
There are two statues in a park; one of a nudeman and one of a
They had been facing each other across a pathwayfor
whenone day an angel
comes down from the sky and,with
brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you havebeen given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do themost.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they
go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes
, the two return, out
of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes
left, would you care to
do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly
replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down and youpoop on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
"In Texas, it is a illegal to graffiti someone's cow"
Snapple fact #909
"It is not possible to tickle yourself"
Snapple fact #801
Meteorologists claim they're
right 85% of the time.
Snapple fact #912 Ya tink, or no?
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Snapple fact #831
How come you never
see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
(Snapple Fact #812)
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Snapple real fact #907
brings me closer
to the next home
How Smart is Your Right Foot? 1. While sitting down, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now while doing this, draw the number "6" with your right hand. Your foot will soon change direction.
Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella, Ole, wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' Ole says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says Ole.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'
'So, ven do I start?
When prosperity comes, do not use all of it." --Confucius
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. --Thomas Edison, American inventor
Make Lefse - Not War!
Make Love - Not Lutefisk!
Know why people live in Minnesota, Iowa and Illinois?
So they can be closer to Wisconsin.
Bob Uecker, Baseball Announcer
How do I "pick" the right sign?
Cedarburg Maxwell Street Days
Uffdahhh Collectibles Booth
Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same."
--Audrey Hepburn, Academy Award-winning actress, humanitarian The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
Larry the cable guy What do Eric the Red,
Tony the Tiger,
and Smokey the Bear
all have in common?
They have the same middle name.
Thanks Lee Olson in Marshfield
So Ole asks Sven, "Vy do scuba divers alvays fall backvards off dare boats?"
To which Sven replies,"Vell if dey fell forvards dey'd still be in da damn boat!"
thanks to Mrs. Michael Charles
Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."
The German patient wanted to turn Polish, so the surgeon took out a piece of his brain.
When he awoke from the surgery, the patient yelled "Uff da!".
The surgeon apologized for making him a Norwegian by taking too much out.
Thanks to Mark at the Iola Car Show
The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of a happier life for ourselves."
-- Helen Keller , 'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'
-Mark Twain The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson
Random facts about Norway
There are more Norwegian descendants living in the United States than there are Norwegian people in Norway (6 mill. vs. 4,8 mill.)
Norway is nicknamed ”The Land of the Midnight Sun.”
All of the surviving stave churches, (medieval wooden churches with a post and beam construction related to timber framing,) except one, are found in Norway.
Hydropower accounts for 99 per cent of the electricity generated in Norway.
In Norway, education is free, even college and university education.
Norwegian women and men spend more and more of their time on leisure activities, on average more than 6 hours a day.
Norway has a native population called the Sami people.
The plague called ”The Black Death” resulted in the death of more than half of Norway’s population in the mid 14th century.
In real terms, Norway is one of the most expensive countries in the world.
Norway was one of the first countries to establish a Ministry for the Environment (1972).
Women in Norway have the right to 44 weeks of fully paid maternity leave and men 6 weeks of fully paid paternity leave.
This is only a sample of the great stuff you can read on a website called: Norway - the official site in the United States
You miss 100% of the shots you never take. Wayne Gretzky, Canadian professional ice hockey player
It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. Albert Einstein, Nobel Prize-winning physicist
A man grows most tired when standing still." --Chinese proverb
Being "Green" in TN
Ever wonder what the back of Mt. Rushmore looks like?
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up dare?"
And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."
Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up dare?"
What Color Is Her Purse?
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Boyceville, WI. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'
Elderly Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
Watch the days get shorter and shorter in Bergen.....
On June 22nd sunrise is 4:11 AM,
and Sunset is 11:10 PM
On Dec. 22nd sunrise is 9:44 AM,
and Sunset is 3:30 PM
Actual postcard (sans Uff da!) from 1906 by Fredrik Peterson, Boston Mass.
Our condolences and prayers to the people
of Norway for the devastating events of
Up by the Artic Circle
From Wikipedia Scholeusstikket drawing made in 1580
Note that some of the parts of the fortress in the upper left are still there today.
Originally, there was a fortress to protect the harbor in the 1200's!
Norwegian Dinner Grace
I Jesu navn
går vi til bords
å spise, drikke på ditt ord.
Deg, Gud til ære, oss til gavn,
Så får vi mat i Jesu navn.
In Jesus' name
We go to the table
To eat and drink at your Word
You, God, to honor, We, to receive,
So we receive food in Jesus' name.
"The Norway in a nutshell ® trip takes you through some of Norway's most beautiful fjord scenery. You can experience the scenic Bergen Railway, the breathtaking Flåm Railway, the Aurlandsfjord, the narrow Nærøyfjord and the steep hairpin bends of Stalheimskleiva".
This is a self-guided tour that we took a few years ago, and highly recommend. It includes trains, a bus, and a boat trip. We started out, and ended at Oslo, with an overnight stay in Bergen. On the train rides, we stopped counting tunnels when they exceeded 20. It was neat riding the train with all the locals, which included dogs, skiers, and all age groups.
The fjord boat trip was memorable, with some great waffles served while enjoying the scenery. I still remember a mail-bag being thrown down to a remote dock along an isolated area of the fjord. Flam had a great view, but seemed a bit commercialized, as a cruise ship destination.
We wish we would have stayed in Bergen longer, as it seemed a much more a relaxed pace, with people enjoying food and drink. Olso was much larger and very metropolitan, with a faster pace. All of Norway is very expensive, but a trip that we will never forget.
Photo from Wikipedia
1070 Bergen is founded by King Olav Kyrre
1240 The city is declared the capital of Norway in place of Trondheim
1299 Oslo replaces Bergen as the capital of Norway
1319 Norway is linked with Sweden
1349 The Black Death kills half the Norwegian community
1360 The Hanseatic League establishes Bergen as a Kontor
1380 Norway and Denmark are united under the same king
1599 The power of the Hanseatic League is broken by feudal lord Kristofer Walckendorf
1702 The Great Fire destroys much of Bergen
1754 Bergen ceases trading as a Kontor
1814 Denmark cedes Norway to Sweden
1872 Bergen yacht club is established
1874 First public library is opened
1882 First telephone switchboard is installed
1898 Bergen Exhibition
1900 Bergen receives electricity for the first time
1905 Union with Sweden is dissolved
1913 New railway station is constructed
1916 The Great Fire: 400 properties are destroyed, 3000 people are made homeless
1917 Bergen's first modern quay for larger overseas vessels opens at Skoltegrunn Quay
1972 Public referendum votes against Norway becoming a member of the EC
Ole & Lena and the winter
One wintery February day, in Minnesota, Ole & Lena were sitting in
their living room, listening to the radio, when a weather announcement came
on. The report was that a blizzard was expected and in order to accommodate the
snow plows, all residents living on streets running east/west were requested, by
the city, to park their cars on the north side of the street.
The following day, the weather announcer came on with another report, that
the blizzard conditions were continuing and asking that all residents living on
streets running east/west to park their cars on the south side of the street,
accommodate snow plowing.
On the third day, another announcement came on, reporting that the blizzard
would continue, but that the temperatures would begin rising and that lightning
and thunder was expected with the storm. The announcer said that people living
on streets running east/west were to..........
Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and
the electricity went
Ole was worrying about what the rest of the announcement was. Lena told
Ole, "Vhy don't you yust vait? Perhaps da lectricity vil come back on and dey
vil repeat dat dare announcement."
Hours went by and it was getting dark outside. Ole was fretting and fuming
and said to Lena, "How vil I know vat side of da street dey vant us to park da
To which Lena replied, "Vell, since you don't know vat side of da street to
park on, vhy don't you yust leave da car
in da garage tonight?"
Thanks to: Cheryl - Crivitz, WI
Ole & Lena went to a lawyer to see about
getting a divorce.
"How old are you folks?" asked the lawyer.
"Vell, I'm 96 and Lena is 92," said Ole.
"How come you are getting a divorce now?"
asked the lawyer.
"Ve vanted to vait till all da kids vere dead."
Ole wasn't feeling well so he went
to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said,
"your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it,
unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and
call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself."
way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say?
"Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it."
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"
Ole and Lena
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,
"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
A new blonde joke!
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoestore shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were
7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the
bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily
and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
I DON'T BELIEVE IT......THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Ole and Clarence
Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.
Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river,I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"
This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?"
Ole says, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat" Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"
Sven came home from work early one day and
Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early.
Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer."
"Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting".
So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine.
"Sven, your ting is just fine,
what happened to da pickle slicer?"
Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too."
(thanks to Karl in Denver)
LUTEFISK LAMENT 'Twas the night before Christmas, with things all a hustle,
As Momma got set for the Christmas Eve tussle,
Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were all coming here,
To fill up their stomachs with Christmas eve cheer. I sat alone with a feeling of dread,
As visions of lutefisk danced in my head.
The thought of the smell made my eyeballs start burning,
The thought of the taste set my stomach to churning. For I'm one of those who Norwegians rebuff - - -
A Scandihoovian boy who can't stand the stuff!
Each year, however, I play at the game,
To spare Momma and Papa the undying shame. I must bear up bravely; I can't take the risk
Of relatives knowing I hate lutefisk!
I know they would spurn me, my presents withold
If the unthinkable, unspeakable truth they were told! Soon from the kitchen an odor came stealing,
An odor that set my senses to reeling.
The smell of lutefisk crept down the hall and wilted a plant,
in a pot on the wall. The others reacted as though they were smitten,
While the aroma laid low my small helpless kitten.
Uncles Oscar and Lars said, "Oh, that smells yummy!"
While Aunt Olga just beamed as she patted her tummy. The scent skipped off the ceiling as it came through the door,
And the bird in the cuckoo clock fell on the floor.
Momma announced dinner by ringing a bell, And they rushed to the table with a whoop and a yell. I lifted my eyes to heaven and sighed,
And a rose on the wallpaper withered and died.
With unhurried pace I went to my chair,
And sat down in silence with an unseeing stare. Most of the food was already in place,
There only remained the lutefisk space.
Then in it came - - - you could just hear the drools,
You would think that the bowl held Norway's crown jewels! Then Momma lifted the cover on that steaming dish,
And I was face to face with that quivering fish.
"Me first!", I heard Uncle Sven call,
While I watched the paint as it peeled from the wall. The plates were passed for Papa to fill,
I waited, in agony, between fever and chill.
He would dip in the spoon and hold it up high,
It oozed on the plates - - - I thought I would die! Then came my plate, and to my fevered brain,
There seemed enough lutefisk to derail a train.
It looked like a mountain of congealing glue,
Oddly transparent, yet discolored in hue. With butter and cream sauce I tried to conceal it,
But wouldn't you know, the smell would reveal it!
I drummed up my courage; I tried to be bold.
Momma said, "Eat it before it gets cold." I decided to try it - - - "Uff da", I sighed.
"Uff da, indeed", my stomach replied.
Then I summoned that courage for which Norskies are known,
My hand took the fork with a mind of its own. With reckless abandon, that lutefisk I ate,
Within twenty seconds, I cleaned up the plate.
Uncle Oscar then flashed me an ear-to-ear grin,
While butter and cream sauce dripped from his chin, Then to my surprise, he said in my ear,
"I'm sure glad that's done for another year!"
It was then that I learned a wonderful truth,
That Swedes and Norwegians from young men to youth, Must each pay their dues to have the great joy,
Of being known as a good Scandihoovian boy!
And so to you all, as you face the test,
Happy Smorgasbord to you, and to you all my best!
These 2 from Karl in Denver:
Sven and Ole are on their snowmobiles racing across the lake. Ole breaks through the ice and sinks to the bottom. Sven goes to the edge of the ice and he sees Ole pulling and pulling on the starting rope. Sven yells, "Ole, you have to open the choke first!"
Sven and Ole are putting on a roof. Ole accidently cuts off his ear. Ole goes down to look for it. Sven sees Ole on his hands and knees looking for something in the grass. "What happened, Ole?" "Oh, I cut my ear off and I'm trying to find it". Sven offers to help so he too is down on all fours looking for Ole's ear. A few minutes later Sven says, "Hey, Ole! I tink I found your ear." Ole says, "No, that's not it, mine had a pencil behind it."
Ole's Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of upnort Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' Ole says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.'
A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture"
Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50 Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices.
Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo."
Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole, who had helped him win the million dollars.
"Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day live in da clocks."
July Iola,WI Auto Show
Fyr Bal - Summer Solstice Festival
Ephraim, Wisconsin's main festival is Fyr Bal, a Norwegian celebration held near the solstice in mid-June to drive out the "wicked winter witch" (www ?). A dozen bonfires burn along the shoreline as residents and visitors gather to celebrate the beginning of summer.
Here is an article in a recent Norway Post:
Tonight, the evening of June 23rd is celebrated as Midsummernight Eve in Norway, also known as 'St.Hans Aften' or 'Jonsok-kveld', depending on where you are in the country. Huge bonfires are burned as part of the celebrations. St. Hans or Jonsok both reveal that the festival has been named after St. John the Baptist, as the 24th is his birthday according to the Festival Calendar of the pre-reformation Church.
As with so many of the church festivals, it was introduced in order to replace an old heathen festival on that same date, thought to be the Summer Solstice, or the longest day of the year.
In Norway, the evening is celebrated with partying, good food, music and dancing, and the burning of huge bonfires. The burning of bonfires has of course survived from heathen times, when it was believed that the fire had special cleansing powers, and was also used to drive away evil powers, witches included.
Medical herbs also had special powers at Midsummernight, and so did water. Dew that fell on that night was believed to have healing properties, particularly for ailments of the eyes.
Midsummernight Eve was a public holiday in Norway until 1771, and has as a matter of fact survived as a day off in several communities to this day.
(The Norway Post) Rolleiv Solholm
Ole lay dying in his bedroom.
He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said,
"No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral"
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced:
"HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," replies da Norvegian.
Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven.
Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?"
Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?"
"Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack."
"Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"
One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole, she said, would you please do me a favor and take off my blouse for me?"
Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Olie would you please take off my skirt for me?"
Once again Olie obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."
Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said
"And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
Do it now!
Today will be yesterday tomorrow.
Dogs don't have nine lives - because they get it right the first time!
At the Crossville, TN Flea Market April 4th
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shake n, not stirred,and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. Theypay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said,
'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?' The bartender says,
'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin, They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
New! Get "Uff da!" and "Lutefisk" stuff like shirts, hats, calendars, dog items, etc. at:
We've been selling on eBay since 1997. We spend the summer selling and buying at Wisconsin flea markets and farm shows.
We also metal nostolgic at outdoor summer shows in Wisconsin, including the big Iola auto show, Jefferson Auto Show, Cedarburg Maxwell Street Days, Shawano Flea Market, Mukwonago, Ringle, Wisconsin Dells, Edgar, Baraboo, and more
If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances.
Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen. See the photo below
Dog Lessons For People
Enjoy the simple pleasures of a walk.
Follow your instincts.
Never underestimate the value of a belly rub.
Be loyal and faithful.
Always drink plenty of water.
Sometimes it is best to just sit close and listen.
Be quick to forgive.
Avoid biting when a growl will do.
Keep digging until you find what you want.
Run and play daily.
Accept all of life's treats with gratitude.
Life is short, pet often.
If You Grew Up In Rural Wisconsin:
* You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
* You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
* You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
* You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
* You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm or Farm and Fleet
* You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
* You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter..
* You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.
* You know that 'combine' is a noun.
* You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
* You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
* You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.
* Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
* A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer..
* Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.
* There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning. And/or smelled like it.
* You have driven your car on the lake.
* You can make sense of 'upnort' and 'baatree'.
* Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
* Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
* The local gas station sells live bait..
* At least twice a year some part of your home double as a meat processing plant.
* You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
A NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY of OLE and LENA
Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'.
So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?'.
Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.'
Who is your real friend?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see
Rust - Abstract Art
Here's a link to some great artwork from the recent Edgar Tractor show. The artist, Keith Stanosz, takes close-up pictures of farm equipment, rust and all. Could include John Deere, Farmall, IH, Ford, Oliver, Gehl, New Holland, New Idea, or??? Click this link and see if you can guess which makes and models these untouched photos are of:
Here is a good example of "uff da" when a storm came through our space at the Iola Car Show on July 12, 2008:
This one from Mary in Wisconsin:
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to
Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying
themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother
you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota,
land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up
a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't
miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room
of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and
hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished
and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to
be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve
don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got
ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is
absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the
answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their
lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning,
the temperature is 60 below zero,
icicles are hanging everywhere, and people
are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and
finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping
up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're
happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you
They both look at the devil in surprise and say,
'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von
da Super Bowl.'
9 words women use
(1) Fine: This is
the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on
your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This
is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for
the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most
dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ______
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.
FINALLY! THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has
your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her
purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
50 Years! (1998 - 2048)
Ole & Lena Jokes
Please send us any good Norwegian jokes to add here.
Ole da Archaeoligist
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper
wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors
already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be
outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to
a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California
archaeologists, finding traces of a 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Courier Hub, a
local newspaper in Wisconsin, reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Wheeler, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a self-taught
archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless."
Atta boy Ole! You go guy! Way to show dem dat we're not so backward as
dey tink! Who said Wisconsinites are hicks?
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a
stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the
Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After
ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church,
Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across
One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground,
'DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'
From the curve we
heard screeching tires and a big splash . Rev. Ole
turns to Pastor Sven and
asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust
say 'Bridge Out'?
MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)
Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may
have or acquire.
They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint
announced today that it is recalling all of the
Minnesota quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that
the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll
booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin
The problem lies in the unique design
of the Minnesota
quarter, which was designed by a
couple of Norwegian
specialists, Sven and Ole.
Apparently the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the
nickel together keeps
jamming up the machines.
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole
standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was
covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of
it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly,
'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,'
he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?'The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to
all the men and women who died in the service.Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
This one was forwarded to me from my Dad in Sun Prairie:
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in
need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and
looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow
farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches
under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk
does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner,
Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls
over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow
I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought
dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told
Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'
Two Norvegians are
drinking at da Arrow Bar in Weston, WI. Ole says, 'Did you know dat lions
have sex 10 to 15 times a night?'
'Darn!' says Sven. "I jus
joined da Elks."
Subject: Norwegian Diet
Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the doctor by having
nearly 25 POUNDS. 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said. 'You followed
The Norwegian nodded and said... 'I'll tell you,
though, I taut I was
gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you
'No, yust from all dat skippin'.'
Ole and Lars are two Norwegians working at the
local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big
bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole to
the local hospital. Next day, Lars goes
to the hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab
exercising". Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising
his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw
mill. Couple of days go by and then Ole slips and severs
his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag
and rushes it and Ole off to hospital. Next day he calls in
to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the
Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's Ole out there doing some
serious work on the treadmill. And Ole comes back
to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it
and Ole to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The
nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Lars is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him
''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his
head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA
The reason the Irish
celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the
Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians
came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was
having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating
almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat
but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen
do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the Irish
IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians) Irish
members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants
from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would
spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their
fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as
everyone knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the
desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of
night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian
invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to
the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it
"lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".
Matters became even worse
for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop
and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and
finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO
HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota, the only
other place on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather
can be found in abundance.
Ole the Minnesota Furniture Dealer
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand
the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go
to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in
Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the
new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that
the small place was quite crowded, and that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the
house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian
girl came to his table, asked him something in French
(which Ole couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the
vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to
speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with
her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed
it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
for her. After sitting together at the table for a
while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a
plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after
which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a
couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing
up. Back at their table, the young lady took a
napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this
day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the
Here's a few from my Dad in Sun Prairie:
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected
strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and
he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were
loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the l oad
and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski
asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to
where we crashed last year."
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole
and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian
and a canoe?" "No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip,"
Here is one from Roger in Wisconsin:
Sign up right away for the Frequent Flyer's program administered by Ole and Lena. WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce
In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace
Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Here is one submitted from Marvin:
Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now vat the hell vould you say?"
Here is one from John Weber in Wittenberg, WI:
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said, "Lordy!!! It's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says..."How vas I suppose to pick them up?
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt when da phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered da iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call da doctor!"
"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run dem through real slow."
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest pee-pee in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
Ole and Sven were trying to get a mule into the barn, but it's ears were too long. Ole looked at the barn and then looked at the mule. Finally he suggested raising the barn. Sven thought about this and said, "I tink it vould be easier to dig a trench." "No, you dummy," exploded Ole, "it's dah ears dat are too long, not dah legs!"
"It's yust too hot to wear clothes today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the lawn like dis?" "Probably that I married you for your money."
Sven & Ole worked together and both were laid off work,so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him $300 a week employment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation."Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, yah, diesel fitter."
Ole Computer Terms
Log On: Making da wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't
add no more wood
Monitor: Keepin an eye on da wood
Download: Getting da
wood off da truck
Megahertz: Ven yer not careful getting da
Floppy Disk: Vat yew get from trying tew carry tew much wood
Dat ting dat splits da wood
Hard Drive: Getting home in da winter time in the
Prompt: Vat da mail ain't in da winter time
Windows: Vat yew shut
when it's cold outside
Screen: Vat yew shut vens it's black fly
Byte: Vat dem dang black flies do
Chip: Munchies fer da
Microchip:Vats in da bottom of da munchies bag
Modem: Vat yew did tew
da hay fields
Keyboard: Where yew hang da keys
Software: Dem dang plastic
forks and knives
Mouse: Vat eats da grain in da barn
Mainframe: Holds up
da barn roof
Port: Fancy wine
Random Access Memory: Ven yew can't remember
vat yew paid fer da rifle, ven yer wife asks
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home......
When an old Grandpa walked by..........
And one of the
old Grandmas yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old
Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts, and
tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't
do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a
couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up
and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his
ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?
Slapping their knees
& grinning from ear to ear,
The three old ladies happily yelled in unison
were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Over 4,000 farm manuals including Deere, IH, Gehl, Case, New Holland, Hesston, Farmhand, New Idea and much more:
It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Wisconsin
My butt is
frozen to the ground!
'You know you're a redneck
1. You take your dog for a walk
and you both use the same tree.
2. You can
entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work
6. The Salvation Army declines your
7. You offer to give someone the
shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster
than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has
'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep
flea and tick soap in the shower.
been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will
17. You have a rag for a gas
18. Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.
19. You wonder how
service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a
23. You have a complete set
of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Circuit-City.
25. Your working TV sits on top of
your non-working TV.
26. You've used your
ironing board as a buffet table.
tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your
29. You missed your 5th grade
graduation because you were on jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
From my Mother in Wauwatosa, WI:
A woman is in a grocery
store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at
every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for
candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal
and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in
a controlled voice, 'easy Albert, we won't be
long, easy boy'.
outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'it's OK Albert, just a couple more
minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.' At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert,
Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, Albert'. Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as
he's loading the kid and the gr oceries into the car and says, 'You know sir,
it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you
did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is
very lucky to have you for his grandpa'. 'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert --
the little trouble maker's name is Johnny'
Overheard at Wal-Mart Today
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition
as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the
purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia,
they sure as heck ain't doin'
it to Alabama.
Eyechart that will frustrate old Norwegian Men!
How to tell if you are Mom's favorite.
Choosing a Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
Now, where's that darn duck!
Tom is the typical flea marketer that is fun to listen to as he works the crowd. We set up across from him at Cedarburg every Memorial weekend and have kept track of some of his best sayings like:
Ma'm, that handle will glue right back on!
I sell memories, not antiques
$0.50 observation fee
Some people have a guardian angel...Other people have a sock monkey
Make an offer. All I can say is no.
If it looks like you have a lot of money, I jack the price up.
I just do this to stay busy and to see all the little people.
Lady, if you don't have enough money, we can make an arrangement. Men, you are sh*t out of luck.
I thrive on compliments. Money is secondary.
I like you personally, but not that much.
You always do what you've done. You always get what you got.
Stella's drunk again. I'd like to bring her out, but what can you do.
Do you know what's good about that piece, it goes great through a picture window.