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Uff da! Velkommen Hei Ha det bra Hallo God Dag  Visit and spend some time brousing our website for some good Norwegian history, especially Bergen, and of course Ole and Lena jokes! Come see us at our B&M store. We have over 1,000 metal signs, most under $10, wood furniture, wood signs, local art, & 50,000 old postcards @ $1!  Cedar Creek Mall / Patriot Center 10101 Market St. Rothschild WI Open Saturdays 10 AM to 4 PM closed Sundays to Friday Uff da! Up Nort Store directions: MAP See our 25,000+ antique postcards on eBay:Uffdahhh  |
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Uff da! "Ya tink, or no?" Norvegian visitors, or dose dat vant to be. Uff da is often used as a term for sensory overload. It can be used as an expression of surprise, astonishment, exhaustion, relief and sometimes dismay. (Wikipedia) |
Ole & the Penguin
Ole was walking down the road with a penguin
when a policeman saw them and approached Ole.
"Take that penguin to the zoo."
"Do I have to?"
"Take that penguin to the zoo now!"
"Oh all righty den".
So Ole and the penguin head off to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees Ole and
the penguin going down the same road again
and gets very cross.
"I thought I told you to take that
penguin to the zoo."
"I did. Yesterday ve vent to da zoo,
today ve're going to da cinema.
...thanks for the joke from Nils in Brumunddal Norway!
His name was Ole. He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota,
a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Ole replied, "Vare else in New York City can I park my car for two veeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be dare vhen I return?"
His name was Ole. Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.
...thanks for the joke from Paul - "the Jeep Nut"
thanks Paul!
Sven and Ole were sipping their beers when atruck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do dat when I vin da lottery,"announced Sven.
"Do vhat?" asked Ole.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here"
He then tries it and says "Yes it is"
Lena asks "How do you know?"
Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting"
Sven and Ole were carpentering on a new house. Sven who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
Ole, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you trowing dose nails avay?"
Sven explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I trow it avay 'cause it's defective.
If it's pointed toward da HOUSE, den I nail it in!"
Ole got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!!
Da nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
Dare for da OTHER side of da house!!"
(thanks Paul)
Why did Lena wash her clothes "in Tide"?
Because it was too cold "out Tide".
da great hunt
Sven and Ole
were out deer hunting in da big woods up 'bove EauClaire. Dey managed to flush
out and shoot a nice, fine, big buck with a spectacular rack. Dey're draggin it
back tru da woods to their truck but the rack keeps getting tangled up in da
underbrush and dey're having a real hard time.
A game warden stops them to inspect their prize. With everything legal, the game warden congratulates them. he notices the deer's antlers are full of brush and he can see "da boys" have been having trouble. He says, "that's a fine buck ya got but it looks like you're having a lot of trouble dragging it out of the woods. It would be a LOT easier if you drag it the other direction".
The warden leaves and "da boys" try dragging the buck from the other end. They are amazed because now the antlers move freely and don't get stuck in the brush.
Ole says to Sven, "boy dat Varden vas right!, it is a lot easier dragging it dis vay". Sven says "yah Ole, but ve're getting a lot furder avay from da truck."
(Thanks Paul!)
Ole and Sven are walking down a street in Minocqua WI, when they see a
sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 per pair."
Ole says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take
'em back at Dulute, sell 'em to our friends, 'n make a fortune. Now when we go in der, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do DA talkin cuz if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink we're ignorant 'n try to cheat us.
No way, dey'll know we're from Minnesota."
They go in and Ole says with his best "Wisconsin" accent, "I'll take 50 of those suits at $5.00 each, 100 of those shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup and.."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"
"Vell...yeah," says a surprised Ole. "How'd ya know dat?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
Here is the largest selection of pig oilers that I have run across at the Calumetville WI tractor show last September. Pig oilers are typically made of cast iron (very heavy), and used by pigs to rub up against and get "oiled" to minimize insect/parasites (plus I figure probably feels pretty darned good!).
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
Uff da! Store
Located between Oshkosh and ASS OUT
Ole is getting ready to celebrate his 50th anniversary and Sven says,
"Vhat are you going to do for
your anniversary?"
Ole says "Vell, for my 20th
anniversary I took Lena to Norvay".
Sven says, "Dats nice, so vhat
are you going to do to top dat?"
Ole says, "I tink I'll go pick her up."
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
The Aurora Borealis
This amazing video shows the aurora, also known as the Northern Lights, which recently appeared over Kirkenes-Fjell, Norway .
Press the picture and enjoy the 2 minute video!
Subject: VERY Cold Winter
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is the
coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be
a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting alot of firewood'
Norwegian Royal Guard.
What a great performance - on ice!
Press here
Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & thin body.
And please God, don't mix these up like you did last year.
Amen
Ole is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
Lutefisk Twice!
(Once going down and
another coming back up)
Wikipedia: Lutefisk (Norwegian) is a traditional
dish of the Nordic countries and parts of the
Midwest United States. It is made from aged
stockfish (air-dried whitefish) or
dried/salted whitefish (klippfisk) and lye (lut).
It is gelatinous in texture, and has an
extremely strong, pungent odor.
Its name literally means "lye fish."
I just got off the phone with a friend, Lena,
living in northwestern Wisconsin.
She said that since early this morning the snow
has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband, Ole, has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse,
she may have to let him in.
Show and Tell
Kindergarteners were instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The 1st student got up in front of the class & said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish & this is a Star of David."
The 2nd student got up & said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The 3rd student said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is hotdish.
Wikipedia: Hotdish is a variety of baked casserole that typically
contains a starch, a meat or other protein, and a canned
and/ or frozen vegetable, mixed together with canned soup.The dish is popular with Lutherans in Minnesota. and Wisconsin..."A traditional main
course, hotdish is cooked and served hot in a single baking dish and commonly appears at family reunions and church suppers."
Located between Oshkosh and ASS OUT
Ole is getting ready to celebrate his 50th anniversary and Sven says,
"Vhat are you going to do for
your anniversary?"
Ole says "Vell, for my 20th
anniversary I took Lena to Norvay".
Sven says, "Dats nice, so vhat
are you going to do to top dat?"
Ole says, "I tink I'll go pick her up."
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
The Aurora Borealis
This amazing video shows the aurora, also known as the Northern Lights, which recently appeared over Kirkenes-Fjell, Norway .
Press the picture and enjoy the 2 minute video!
Subject: VERY Cold Winter
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is the
coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be
a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting alot of firewood'
Norwegian Royal Guard.
What a great performance - on ice!
Press here
Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & thin body.
And please God, don't mix these up like you did last year.
Amen
Ole is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"Dat's it," he tells Lena. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has become so bad dat once I hit da ball I couldn't see vere it
vent."
Lena sympathizes and gets him a shot of aquavit. As they sit down
she says, "Vhy don't you take my brother Sven wit you and give it one more
try."
"Dat's no good" sighs Ole, "your brother's a hundred and tree.
He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Lena, "but his
eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Ole heads off to the golf course
with 103 year old Sven. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the
fairway.
He turns to Sven and says, "Did you see da
ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Sven. "I have perfect
eyesight".
"Vhere did it go?" says Ole.
"I don't
remember."
Lutefisk Twice!
(Once going down and
another coming back up)
Wikipedia: Lutefisk (Norwegian) is a traditional
dish of the Nordic countries and parts of the
Midwest United States. It is made from aged
stockfish (air-dried whitefish) or
dried/salted whitefish (klippfisk) and lye (lut).
It is gelatinous in texture, and has an
extremely strong, pungent odor.
Its name literally means "lye fish."
I just got off the phone with a friend, Lena,
living in northwestern Wisconsin.
She said that since early this morning the snow
has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband, Ole, has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse,
she may have to let him in.
Show and Tell
Kindergarteners were instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The 1st student got up in front of the class & said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish & this is a Star of David."
The 2nd student got up & said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The 3rd student said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is hotdish.
Wikipedia: Hotdish is a variety of baked casserole that typically
contains a starch, a meat or other protein, and a canned
and/ or frozen vegetable, mixed together with canned soup.The dish is popular with Lutherans in Minnesota. and Wisconsin..."A traditional main
course, hotdish is cooked and served hot in a single baking dish and commonly appears at family reunions and church suppers."
Ole and Sven are
standing at the base of a flagpole in West Salem, looking up.
A
woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
“Ve are supposed to find da height of da flagpole,” says Sven, “but ve
don't haf da ladder.”
The woman takes a wrench from her purse,
loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from
her pocketbook, takes a measurement, announces, “Eighteen feet, six inches”, and
walks away.
Ole shakes his head and laughes. “Ain't dat just
like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!”
Lena was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket near Boyceville, WI. When
she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?' Lena replied, "A
can of peaches."
The judge asked her how many peaches were
in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, 'Then I will give
you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Ole stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The
judge said, "What is it?"
Ole said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Warning!
If you are ever attacked by
a group of clowns,
always go for
the juggler!
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking:
Ole had been slipping in and
Ole was hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway.
Is There Baseball In Heaven?
Ole was driving home after picking up some lutefisk
& got caught in a really bad hailstorm..
His car, a blue AMC Pacer, was covered with dents,
so the next day he took it to a repair shop in Boyceville.
Sven, the shop owner, decided to have some fun...
He told Ole to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
& all the dents would pop out.
So, Ole went home, got down on his hands & knees & started
blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So he blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Lena saw him & asked, 'Vat are you doing?'
Ole told her how the repairman had instructed him to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Lena rolled her eyes & said,
'Ole, you need to roll up da vindows first.'
Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip
and returned with only one fish.
"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.
"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting
we didn't catch any more."
What did the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table?
. . . "Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!
a group of clowns,
always go for
the juggler!
A group of seniors
were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"
You may need to be from Wisconsin or the U.P. of
Michigan to appreciate this story.
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father, Ole, and says, 'So, Dad , I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't tink so. It's an 18 hour drive."
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. Vhat would your mother vear?'
Oh Dad ," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom- made by the best designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Ole complains, 'you know I can't eat dose rich foods you eat.' Do day serve tap beer ????
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'
So Ole reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers,
'You see dat woman over dare wit her hand on da Bible, becoming President of da United States?'
The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'
Ole says proudly, "Her brother played football for da Green Bay Packers."
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father, Ole, and says, 'So, Dad , I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't tink so. It's an 18 hour drive."
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. Vhat would your mother vear?'
Oh Dad ," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom- made by the best designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Ole complains, 'you know I can't eat dose rich foods you eat.' Do day serve tap beer ????
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'
So Ole reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers,
'You see dat woman over dare wit her hand on da Bible, becoming President of da United States?'
The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'
Ole says proudly, "Her brother played football for da Green Bay Packers."
Ole was telling Sven, "I jus bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four tousand dollars, but it's state of da art. It's perfect."
"Really,"
answered Sven, "What kind is it?"
Ole replied "Twelve turdy."
Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!"Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack
for? Da ocean or da mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"
Ole is sitting
at home alone when he
hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there.
He asks if there is a problem.
hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there.
He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies
asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture
of his
wife.
Ole says "sure"
and shows him a picture of his wife, Lena.
The sheriff says,
"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a
truck."
Ole says, " I
know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
"
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the
doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the
first time in many years.
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!".
The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!".
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking:
| |
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean
spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
And now you know...
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
And now you know...
Norwegian IT Support
The world’s very first tech support person is
shown on this rare video from centuries ago.
You won’t want to miss the drama unfold as
the technician effortlessly handles every difficult
question from the user. Norwegian language film with subtitles.
Press here: Norwegian Midevil Help Desk
out of a coma for several months.
Yet Lena had stayed by his bedside every
single day.
One day, when he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered,
eyes full of tears, 'You know vat?
You have been vith me all tru da bad times.
Ven I got fired, you vere dare to support me.
Ven my business failed, you vere dare.
Ven I got shot, you vere by my side.
Ven we lost da house, you stayed right here.
Ven my health started failing, you vere still by my side...
You know vhat Lena?'
'What dear?' she gently asked,
smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to tink you're bad luck....'
One day, when he came to,
he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered,
eyes full of tears, 'You know vat?
You have been vith me all tru da bad times.
Ven I got fired, you vere dare to support me.
Ven my business failed, you vere dare.
Ven I got shot, you vere by my side.
Ven we lost da house, you stayed right here.
Ven my health started failing, you vere still by my side...
You know vhat Lena?'
'What dear?' she gently asked,
smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to tink you're bad luck....'
Ole was hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway.
His
first day he painted ten miles.
The second day he only painted five miles.
His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started
off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest.
But when Ole came back to work the next day,
he only painted half a mile.
So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple, " Ole answered.
"I've been getting furder avay from da paint can!"
Is There Baseball In Heaven?
Ole and Sven had been best friends for years, and they both live totheir early 90's,
when Ole suddenly falls deathly ill. Sven comes to visit him on
his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when Sven asks, "Listen, ven you die, do me a favor. I vant to know if
dare's baseball in heaven."
Ole said, "We've been friends for years, I'll do dis for you." And then Ole dies.
A
couple days later, Sven is sleeping when he hears Ole's
voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news
is dat dare is indeed baseball in heaven."
"What is da bad news Ole?"
"What is da bad news Ole?"
"You're pitching on Tursday."
Ole was driving home after picking up some lutefisk
& got caught in a really bad hailstorm..
His car, a blue AMC Pacer, was covered with dents,
so the next day he took it to a repair shop in Boyceville.
Sven, the shop owner, decided to have some fun...
He told Ole to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
& all the dents would pop out.
So, Ole went home, got down on his hands & knees & started
blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So he blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Lena saw him & asked, 'Vat are you doing?'
Ole told her how the repairman had instructed him to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Lena rolled her eyes & said,
'Ole, you need to roll up da vindows first.'
Ole stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what
seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down,
waggled again, but didn't start his back swing...
Finally his exasperated partner Sven asked,
'Vat in the Vorld is taking so long?'
'Lena is vatching me from da clubhouse balcony",
Ole explained. 'I vant to make a perfect shot.'
Sven said, 'You don't have a chance
in hell of hitting her from here..."
seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down,
waggled again, but didn't start his back swing...
Finally his exasperated partner Sven asked,
'Vat in the Vorld is taking so long?'
'Lena is vatching me from da clubhouse balcony",
Ole explained. 'I vant to make a perfect shot.'
Sven said, 'You don't have a chance
in hell of hitting her from here..."
Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip
and returned with only one fish.
"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.
"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting
we didn't catch any more."
What did the Swede say to the Norwegian at the breakfast table?
. . . "Hurry up and Finnish your Danish!
Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on
his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the
freeway.
"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home."
Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da freeway."
"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred cars going da wrong vay!"
"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home."
Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da freeway."
"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred cars going da wrong vay!"
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena
could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor
came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good
news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby will be delivered
Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
Honk if you love Jesus,
Text while driving if you want to meet him!
Ole and Sven were out on the lake fishing,
Ole says to Sven,
" Sven, I tink I'm going to leave Lena"
Oh? why is dat Ole?
"Vell Sven, she hasn't talked to me in nearly 2 months
and von't tell me vat I did."
After a few minutes, Sven says to Ole.
" Ole, I vould tink twice about dat,
woman like dat are hard to find"
tusen takk to Steve in Rush City, MN
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
It never smells and is always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see.. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said.
"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Quickie in
"In Texas, it is a illegal to graffiti someone's cow"
Snapple fact #909
"It is not possible to tickle yourself"
Snapple fact #801
Meteorologists claim they're
right 85% of the time.
Snapple fact #912
Ya tink, or no?
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Snapple fact #831
How come you never
see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
(Snapple Fact #812)
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
Honk if you love Jesus,
Text while driving if you want to meet him!
Ole and Sven were out on the lake fishing,
Ole says to Sven,
" Sven, I tink I'm going to leave Lena"
Oh? why is dat Ole?
"Vell Sven, she hasn't talked to me in nearly 2 months
and von't tell me vat I did."
After a few minutes, Sven says to Ole.
" Ole, I vould tink twice about dat,
woman like dat are hard to find"
tusen takk to Steve in Rush City, MN
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
It never smells and is always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see.. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said.
"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Quickie in
the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they
go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes
, the two return, out
of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes
left, would you care to
do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly
replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
"In Texas, it is a illegal to graffiti someone's cow"
Snapple fact #909
"It is not possible to tickle yourself"
Snapple fact #801
Meteorologists claim they're
right 85% of the time.
Snapple fact #912
Ya tink, or no?
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Snapple fact #831
How come you never
see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
(Snapple Fact #812)
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Snapple real fact #907
Every strike
brings me closer
to the next home run."
Uff da!
How Smart is Your Right Foot?
1. While sitting down, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now while doing this, draw the number "6" with your right hand. Your foot will soon change direction.
Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella, Ole, wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' Ole says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says Ole.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
Ole stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.'
'So, ven do I start?
When prosperity comes, do not use all of it."
--Confucius
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
--Thomas Edison,
American inventor
Make Lefse - Not War!
Make Love - Not Lutefisk!
Know why people live in Minnesota, Iowa and Illinois?
So they can be closer to Wisconsin.
Bob Uecker, Baseball Announcer
So they can be closer to Wisconsin.
Bob Uecker, Baseball Announcer
Uff da!
How do I "pick" the right sign?
Cedarburg Maxwell Street Days
Uffdahhh Collectibles Booth
Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same."
--Audrey Hepburn, Academy Award-winning actress, humanitarian
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
Larry the cable guy
What do Eric the Red,
Tony the Tiger,
and Smokey the Bear
all have in common?
They have the same middle name.
Thanks Lee Olson in Marshfield
So Ole asks Sven, "Vy do scuba divers alvays fall backvards off dare boats?"
To which Sven replies,"Vell if dey fell forvards dey'd still be in da damn boat!"
thanks to Mrs. Michael Charles
Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."
Everything you can imagine
is real."
Things are only impossible
until they're not."
Go often to the house of a friend;
for weeds soon choke up the unused path.
-- Scandanavian Proverb
"Can't stand for no peekin!"
Mr. Edwards,
Little House on the Prairie
--Special Olympics motto
Everything you can imagine
is real."
Pablo Picasso,
Spanish artist
Spanish artist
Things are only impossible
until they're not."
Jean-Luc Picard,
"Star Trek: The Next Generation"
Go often to the house of a friend;
for weeds soon choke up the unused path.
-- Scandanavian Proverb
"Can't stand for no peekin!"
Mr. Edwards,
Little House on the Prairie
You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
--Eleanor Roosevelt,
former U.S. first lady
former U.S. first lady
The German patient wanted to turn Polish, so the surgeon took out a piece of his brain.
When he awoke from the surgery, the patient yelled "Uff da!".
The surgeon apologized for making him a Norwegian by taking too much out.
Thanks to Mark at the Iola Car Show When he awoke from the surgery, the patient yelled "Uff da!".
The surgeon apologized for making him a Norwegian by taking too much out.
The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of a happier life for ourselves."
-- Helen Keller , 'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'
-Mark Twain
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson
Random facts about Norway |
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This is only a sample of the great stuff you can read on a website called: Norway - the official site in the United States
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Laughter is an instant vacation."
--Milton Berle,
comedian, actor
comedian, actor
Wall Street is not a casino.
The drinks are free in a casino.
Vahan Janjigian
Near Plum Bottom Rd in Door County
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
Sven and Ole got a job putting in telephone poles. After the first day, they were talking to the foreman. The forman asked how many poles they had put in.
"Two" said Ole.
"Only TWO?" Said the foreman, "All the other crews put in eight to ten."
"Yah!" Said Ole, "But did you see how much dey left sticking out?"
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:
Well, crap...
Now I forgot what it was.
We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery."
--H.G. Wells,
English author
English author
Virus Alert!
If you get an email titled "Nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it.
It could contain a virus.
If you get an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.
It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi
American inventor and businessman
When humor goes, there goes civilization."
--Erma Bombeck,
American humorist
American humorist
If you rest, you rust."
--Helen Hayes, American actress
First Celebrity Dies of Swine Flu!
And we know who the carrier is.....
(thanks Jayme!)
When two men in a business always agree, one of them is unnecessary
Corduroy Pillows are Making Head Lines!
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
--Henry Ford,
founder of Ford Motor Co.
The way to get good ideas is to get lots of ideas, and throw the bad ones away."
--Linus Pauling,
American scientist
American scientist
Todd James
Good ol' Wisconsin boy, trying to make it in Nashville.
Check out his songs. Our favorites are:
Uffdahhh Collectibles
Potty Trained since 1960 & 1963!
Redneck Fire Detector
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful
Mae West
Mae West
Seize the moment. Remember all the women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck
No matter what business you're in, you can't run in place or someone will pass you by."
--Jim Valvano,
American college basketball coach
American college basketball coach
The most effective way to do it is to do it."
--Amelia Earhart,
American aviation pioneer
American aviation pioneer
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Widely but unofficially attributed to President Abraham Lincoln
When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
--Yogi Berra,
National Baseball Hall of Fame inductee
National Baseball Hall of Fame inductee
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."
--Epictetus,
Greek philosopher
You miss 100% of the shots you never take.
Wayne Gretzky, Canadian professional ice hockey player
It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.
Albert Einstein, Nobel Prize-winning physicist
A man grows most tired when standing still."
--Chinese proverb
Being "Green" in TN
Ever wonder what the back of Mt. Rushmore looks like?
So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up dare?"
And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."
Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up dare?"
What Color Is Her Purse?
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Boyceville, WI. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'
Elderly Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
 Here is a neat live video of: Torgallmenningen - Bergen NorwayPress here:Torgallmenningen linkHere is a great moving panarama of the harbor: press here Panarama Camera  Bergen, Norway Current Weather in Bergen, Norway  Current Weather in Rothschild, Wisconsin  Watch the days get shorter and shorter in Bergen..... On June 22nd sunrise is 4:11 AM, and Sunset is 11:10 PM On Dec. 22nd sunrise is 9:44 AM, and Sunset is 3:30 PM  Torgallmenningen Actual postcard (sans Uff da!) from 1906 by Fredrik Peterson, Boston Mass. Our condolences and prayers to the people of Norway for the devastating events of July 22nd....  Uff da! Up by the Artic Circle    From Wikipedia Scholeusstikket drawing made in 1580 Note that some of the parts of the fortress in the upper left are still there today. Originally, there was a fortress to protect the harbor in the 1200's!  Norwegian Dinner Grace I Jesu navn går vi til bords å spise, drikke på ditt ord. Deg, Gud til ære, oss til gavn, Så får vi mat i Jesu navn. Amen. Translated: In Jesus' name We go to the table To eat and drink at your Word You, God, to honor, We, to receive, So we receive food in Jesus' name. Amen.   thanks to: Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos Norway in a nutshell Norway in a Nutshell "The Norway in a nutshell ® trip takes you through some of Norway's most beautiful fjord scenery. You can experience the scenic Bergen Railway, the breathtaking Flåm Railway, the Aurlandsfjord, the narrow Nærøyfjord and the steep hairpin bends of Stalheimskleiva".
This is a self-guided tour that we took a few years ago, and highly recommend. It includes trains, a bus, and a boat trip. We started out, and ended at Oslo, with an overnight stay in Bergen. On the train rides, we stopped counting tunnels when they exceeded 20. It was neat riding the train with all the locals, which included dogs, skiers, and all age groups. The fjord boat trip was memorable, with some great waffles served while enjoying the scenery. I still remember a mail-bag being thrown down to a remote dock along an isolated area of the fjord. Flam had a great view, but seemed a bit commercialized, as a cruise ship destination. We wish we would have stayed in Bergen longer, as it seemed a much more a relaxed pace, with people enjoying food and drink. Olso was much larger and very metropolitan, with a faster pace. All of Norway is very expensive, but a trip that we will never forget. Bergen History  Photo from Wikipedia
 Ole & Lena and the winter
blizzard
to accommodate snow plowing. the electricity went out. in da garage tonight?"  Ole & Lena went to a lawyer to see about getting a divorce. "How old are you folks?" asked the lawyer. "Vell, I'm 96 and Lena is 92," said Ole. "How come you are getting a divorce now?" asked the lawyer. Said Ole: "Ve vanted to vait till all da kids vere dead."Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself." On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say? "Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it." One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"Ole and Lena Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!" After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoestore shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration..... I DON'T BELIEVE IT......THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO! Ole and Clarence Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other. Uff da! Sven came home from work early one day and Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early. What happened?" Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer." "Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting". So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine. "Sven, your ting is just fine, what happened to da pickle slicer?" Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too." (thanks to Karl in Denver)
LUTEFISK LAMENT 'Twas the night before Christmas, with things all a hustle, As Momma got set for the Christmas Eve tussle, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were all coming here, To fill up their stomachs with Christmas eve cheer. I sat alone with a feeling of dread, As visions of lutefisk danced in my head. The thought of the smell made my eyeballs start burning, The thought of the taste set my stomach to churning. For I'm one of those who Norwegians rebuff - - - A Scandihoovian boy who can't stand the stuff! Each year, however, I play at the game, To spare Momma and Papa the undying shame. I must bear up bravely; I can't take the risk Of relatives knowing I hate lutefisk! I know they would spurn me, my presents withold If the unthinkable, unspeakable truth they were told! Soon from the kitchen an odor came stealing, An odor that set my senses to reeling. The smell of lutefisk crept down the hall and wilted a plant, in a pot on the wall. The others reacted as though they were smitten, While the aroma laid low my small helpless kitten. Uncles Oscar and Lars said, "Oh, that smells yummy!" While Aunt Olga just beamed as she patted her tummy. The scent skipped off the ceiling as it came through the door, And the bird in the cuckoo clock fell on the floor. Momma announced dinner by ringing a bell, And they rushed to the table with a whoop and a yell. I lifted my eyes to heaven and sighed, And a rose on the wallpaper withered and died. With unhurried pace I went to my chair, And sat down in silence with an unseeing stare. Most of the food was already in place, There only remained the lutefisk space. Then in it came - - - you could just hear the drools, You would think that the bowl held Norway's crown jewels! Then Momma lifted the cover on that steaming dish, And I was face to face with that quivering fish. "Me first!", I heard Uncle Sven call, While I watched the paint as it peeled from the wall. The plates were passed for Papa to fill, I waited, in agony, between fever and chill. He would dip in the spoon and hold it up high, It oozed on the plates - - - I thought I would die! Then came my plate, and to my fevered brain, There seemed enough lutefisk to derail a train. It looked like a mountain of congealing glue, Oddly transparent, yet discolored in hue. With butter and cream sauce I tried to conceal it, But wouldn't you know, the smell would reveal it! I drummed up my courage; I tried to be bold. Momma said, "Eat it before it gets cold." I decided to try it - - - "Uff da", I sighed. "Uff da, indeed", my stomach replied. Then I summoned that courage for which Norskies are known, My hand took the fork with a mind of its own. With reckless abandon, that lutefisk I ate, Within twenty seconds, I cleaned up the plate. Uncle Oscar then flashed me an ear-to-ear grin, While butter and cream sauce dripped from his chin, Then to my surprise, he said in my ear, "I'm sure glad that's done for another year!" It was then that I learned a wonderful truth, That Swedes and Norwegians from young men to youth, Must each pay their dues to have the great joy, Of being known as a good Scandihoovian boy! And so to you all, as you face the test, Happy Smorgasbord to you, and to you all my best! These 2 from Karl in Denver: Sven and Ole are on their snowmobiles racing across the lake. Ole breaks through the ice and sinks to the bottom. Sven goes to the edge of the ice and he sees Ole pulling and pulling on the starting rope. Sven yells,
"Ole, you have to open the choke first!" Sven and Ole are putting on a roof. Ole accidently cuts off his ear. Ole goes down to look for it. Sven sees Ole on his hands and knees looking for something in the grass. "What happened, Ole?" "Oh, I cut my ear off and I'm trying to find it". Sven offers to help so he too is down on all fours looking for Ole's ear. A few minutes later Sven says, "Hey, Ole! I tink I found your ear." Ole says, "No, that's not it, mine had a pencil behind it." Ole's Talking Dog A guy is driving around the back woods of upnort Wisconsin and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and Ole appears and tells him dat the dog is in da backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Ole what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' Ole says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Dat's because he's a liar. He never did any of dat stuff.' "Final Answer"
July Iola,WI Auto Show  Fyr Bal - Summer Solstice Festival   Ephraim, Wisconsin's main festival is Fyr Bal, a Norwegian celebration held near the solstice in mid-June to drive out the "wicked winter witch" (www ?). A dozen bonfires burn along the shoreline as residents and visitors gather to celebrate the beginning of summer. Here is an article in a recent Norway Post:
Ole lay dying in his bedroom. He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said, "No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral"  Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced: "HaVaii" or "HaWaii." They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii." "Thank you," says the satisfied first man. "You're velcome," replies da Norvegian.
Fox Hunt
(Thanks Mom!)
Two guys, Ole and Sven, are standing at the gates of heaven. Trying to be friendly, Ole asks Sven, "So, how did you get here?" Sven replies, "Hypothermia, how about you?" "Well, "Ole said, "I vas sure my wife Lena vas cheating on me, so one day I came home early to catch her in da act. I searched da whole house, but dare vas no one dare. I felt so bad about da whole ting dat I had a massive heart attack." "Oh great, "said Sven, "If you vould've checked da freezer ve vould both be alive!"One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole, she said, would you please do me a favor and take off my blouse for me?" Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Olie would you please take off my skirt for me?" Once again Olie obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra." Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said "And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!" Do it now! Today will be yesterday tomorrow. Dogs don't have nine lives - because they get it right the first time!  At the Crossville, TN Flea Market April 4th Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shake n, not stirred,and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?' The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin, They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.' Go Brewers!
 (Cubs Suck)
New! Get "Uff da!" and "Lutefisk" stuff like shirts, hats, calendars, dog items, etc. at:
We love collecting and selling old paper items like postcards, magazines, books, catalogs, booklets, farm manuals,etc. WE RECYCLE HISTORY!
Go to our huge eBay store selling mostly historical postcards: We've been selling on eBay since 1997. We spend the summer selling and buying at Wisconsin flea markets and farm shows. We also metal nostolgic at outdoor summer shows in Wisconsin, including the big Iola auto show, Jefferson Auto Show, Cedarburg Maxwell Street Days, Shawano Flea Market, Mukwonago, Ringle, Wisconsin Dells, Edgar, Baraboo, and more Please read!!!
If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances. Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen. See the photo below  Dog Lessons For People
If You Grew Up In Rural Wisconsin:
* You know how to polka, but never tried it sober. A NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY of OLE and LENA
Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw. Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'. So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?'. Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.' |
 Rust - Abstract Art
Here's a link to some great artwork from the recent Edgar Tractor show. The artist, Keith Stanosz, takes close-up pictures of farm equipment, rust and all. Could include John Deere, Farmall, IH, Ford, Oliver, Gehl, New Holland, New Idea, or??? Click this link and see if you can guess which makes and models these untouched photos are of:      Here is a good example of "uff da" when a storm came through our space at the Iola Car Show on July 12, 2008:  This one from Mary in Wisconsin: Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.' 9 words women use
FINALLY! THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.  Uff da!
SHAKESPEARE HOUSE Ole & Lena Jokes
Please send us any good Norwegian jokes to add here.
Ole da Archaeoligist
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper
wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be
outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of a 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' One week later, The Courier Hub, a
local newspaper in Wisconsin,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Wheeler, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless." Atta boy Ole! You go guy! Way to show dem dat we're not so backward as
dey tink! Who said Wisconsinites are hicks?
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out. Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)
Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may have or acquire. They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents! The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines. One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45? This one was forwarded to me from my Dad in Sun Prairie: Nordakota Cow Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in
need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and
looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow
farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches
under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk
does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner,
Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls
over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow
I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the
cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought
dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told
Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'
Two Norvegians are drinking at da Arrow Bar in Weston, WI. Ole says, 'Did you know dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?' 'Darn!' says Sven. "I jus joined da Elks." Subject: Norwegian Diet A
Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS. 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said. 'You followed my instructions?' The Norwegian nodded and said... 'I'll tell you, though, I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.' 'From hunger, you mean?' 'No, yust from all dat skippin'.' Ole and Lars are two Norwegians working at the
local sawmill. One day Ole slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big
bench saw. Lars quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Ole to
the local hospital. Next day, Lars goes
to the hospital and asks after Ole. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab
exercising". Lars couldn't believe it, but here's Ole out the back exercising
his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw
mill. Couple of days go by and then Ole slips and severs
his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Lars puts the limb in a plastic bag
and rushes it and Ole off to hospital. Next day he calls in
to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the
Rehab again exercising." And sure enough, here's Ole out there doing some
serious work on the treadmill. And Ole comes back
to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head. Wearily Lars puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it
and Ole to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Ole is. The
nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." ''No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated." WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA
The reason the Irish
celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the
Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians
came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was
having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating
almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat
but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen
do, decided the Norwegians had to go. Secretly, he organized the Irish
IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians) Irish
members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants
from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would
spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their
fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as
everyone knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the
desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of
night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian
invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to
the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it
"lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".
Ole the Minnesota Furniture Dealer Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand
the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go
to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in
Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the
new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that
the small place was quite crowded, and that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the
house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian
girl came to his table, asked him something in French
(which Ole couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the
vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to
speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with
her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed
it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
for her. After sitting together at the table for a
while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a
plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after
which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a
couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing
up. Back at their table, the young lady took a
napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this
day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business.
Here's a few from my Dad in Sun Prairie: Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the l oad and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year." Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter." Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian
and a canoe?" "No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip,"
explained Lars. Here is one from Roger in Wisconsin: Lutheran Airlines
Sign up right away for the Frequent Flyer's program administered by Ole and
Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Here is one submitted from Marvin: Here is one from John Weber in Wittenberg, WI: |
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Ole Computer Terms
Log On: Making da wood stove hotter Log Off: Don't add no more wood Monitor: Keepin an eye on da wood Download: Getting da wood off da truck Megahertz: Ven yer not careful getting da firewood Floppy Disk: Vat yew get from trying tew carry tew much wood Ram: Dat ting dat splits da wood Hard Drive: Getting home in da winter time in the snow Prompt: Vat da mail ain't in da winter time Windows: Vat yew shut when it's cold outside Screen: Vat yew shut vens it's black fly season Byte: Vat dem dang black flies do Chip: Munchies fer da TV Microchip:Vats in da bottom of da munchies bag Modem: Vat yew did tew da hay fields Keyboard: Where yew hang da keys Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knives Mouse: Vat eats da grain in da barn Mainframe: Holds up da barn roof Port: Fancy wine Random Access Memory: Ven yew can't remember vat yew paid fer da rifle, ven yer wife asks Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home...... When an old Grandpa walked by.......... And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts, and we Can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his
ankles, the old gent asked,
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Wisconsin POEM FOR YOU It's winter in Wisconsin And the gentle breezes blow Seventy miles an hour At twenty-five below. Oh, how I love Wisconsin When the snow's up to your butt You take a breath of winter And your nose gets frozen shut. Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Wisconsin My butt is frozen to the ground! 'You know you're a redneck when...... 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Circuit-City. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. From my Mother in Wauwatosa, WI: A woman is in a grocery
store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at
every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for
candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal
and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in
a
controlled voice, 'easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy'. Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'it's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.' At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert'. Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the gr oceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa'. 'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert -- the little trouble maker's name is Johnny'
Overheard at Wal-Mart Today
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Alabama.
How to tell if you are Mom's favorite.
 Choosing a Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.  Now, where's that darn duck! Tom's Corner
 Tom is the typical flea marketer that is fun to listen to as he works the crowd. We set up across from him at Cedarburg every Memorial weekend and have kept track of some of his best sayings like:
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