Ole & Lena went to a lawyer to see about getting a divorce.
"How old are you folks?" asked the lawyer.
"Vell, I'm 96 and Lena is 92," said Ole.
"How come you are getting a divorce now?" asked the lawyer.
Said Ole: "Ve vanted to vait till all da kids vere dead."
Sven and Ole were carpentering on a new house. Sven whowas nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
Ole, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you trowing dose nails avay?"
Sven explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I trow it avay 'cause it's defective.
If it's pointed toward da HOUSE, den I nail it in!"
Ole got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!!
Da nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
Dare for da OTHER side of da house!!"
Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself."
On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say?
"Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it."
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming toMinnesota to have portraits done. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
Sven sticks his head into Ole's barber shop and asks "Hey, Ole how long before I can get a haircut?"
Ole looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the Sven leaves.
A few days later Sven sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, Ole looks around at shop full of customers and says "About 2 hours." Sven leaves again.
A week later Sven sticks his head in the shop and asks Ole "how long before I can get a haircut?" Ole looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". Sven leaves again.
Ole looks over at Nels in the shop and says "Hey, Nels, I'll give you a free cut if you follow Sven and see where he goes."
In a little while, Nels comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. Ole says, "Dis must be good, ver did he go ven he left here?"
Nels replies, "Ole he vent to your house!"
May da ruts always fit da wheels in your pickup.
May yur ear mufs always keep out da nort wind.
May da sun shine varm on your lefse.
May da rain fall soft on your lutefisk.
And until ve meet again,
May da Good Lord protect ya from any
and all unnecessary Uff Da's.
Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefiskcanning accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".
Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
(thanks again Paul)
What did the Norwegian say when he saw his very first pizza?
Answer - Who threw-up on my lefsa!
Thanks Harold from Iola
Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".
Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."
After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"
Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
Sven came home from work early one day and
Lena asks, "Sven, you're home from work early.
Sven replies, "Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer."
"Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting".
So Sven shows her his ting and everyting is fine.
"Sven, your ting is just fine,
what happened to da pickle slicer?"
Says Sven, "Oh dey fired her too."
(thanks to Karl in Denver)
Bring your hot dish!
Voice is Doug Benton
Video by Jeff Meland
Contact us at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.
thanks Paul, the Jeep Nut
A Norwegian applied for the same job, and since both applicants had
similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a
quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions
correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?
Manager, "That's simple - on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote
down, 'I don't know'.
You put down, 'Neither do I.' "
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
A NORVEGIAN LOVE STORY of OLE and LENA
Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.
Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, 'Nah, yust put it on our tab'.
So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store, den valked back home across da lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, 'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?'.
Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.'
Why do Norwegian warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can "Scandinavian".
'Twas the night before Christmas, with things all a hustle,
As Momma got set for the Christmas Eve tussle,
Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were all coming here,
To fill up their stomachs with Christmas eve cheer.
I sat alone with a feeling of dread,
As visions of lutefisk danced in my head.
The thought of the smell made my eyeballs start burning,
The thought of the taste set my stomach to churning.
For I'm one of those who Norwegians rebuff - - -
A Scandihoovian boy who can't stand the stuff!
Each year, however, I play at the game,
To spare Momma and Papa the undying shame.
I must bear up bravely; I can't take the risk
Of relatives knowing I hate lutefisk!
I know they would spurn me, my presents withold
If the unthinkable, unspeakable truth they were told!
Soon from the kitchen an odor came stealing,
An odor that set my senses to reeling.
The smell of lutefisk crept down the hall and wilted a plant,
in a pot on the wall.
The others reacted as though they were smitten,
While the aroma laid low my small helpless kitten.
Uncles Oscar and Lars said, "Oh, that smells yummy!"
While Aunt Olga just beamed as she patted her tummy.
The scent skipped off the ceiling as it came through the door,
And the bird in the cuckoo clock fell on the floor.
Momma announced dinner by ringing a bell,
And they rushed to the table with a whoop and a yell.
I lifted my eyes to heaven and sighed,
And a rose on the wallpaper withered and died.
With unhurried pace I went to my chair,
And sat down in silence with an unseeing stare.
Most of the food was already in place,
There only remained the lutefisk space.
Then in it came - - - you could just hear the drools,
You would think that the bowl held Norway's crown jewels!
Then Momma lifted the cover on that steaming dish,
And I was face to face with that quivering fish.
"Me first!", I heard Uncle Sven call,
While I watched the paint as it peeled from the wall.
The plates were passed for Papa to fill,
I waited, in agony, between fever and chill.
He would dip in the spoon and hold it up high,
It oozed on the plates - - - I thought I would die!
Then came my plate, and to my fevered brain,
There seemed enough lutefisk to derail a train.
It looked like a mountain of congealing glue,
Oddly transparent, yet discolored in hue.
With butter and cream sauce I tried to conceal it,
But wouldn't you know, the smell would reveal it!
I drummed up my courage; I tried to be bold.
Momma said, "Eat it before it gets cold."
I decided to try it - - - "Uff da", I sighed.
"Uff da, indeed", my stomach replied.
Then I summoned that courage for which Norskies are known,
My hand took the fork with a mind of its own.
With reckless abandon, that lutefisk I ate,
Within twenty seconds, I cleaned up the plate.
Uncle Oscar then flashed me an ear-to-ear grin,
While butter and cream sauce dripped from his chin,
Then to my surprise, he said in my ear,
"I'm sure glad that's done for another year!"
It was then that I learned a wonderful truth,
That Swedes and Norwegians from young men to youth,
Must each pay their dues to have the great joy,
Of being known as a good Scandihoovian boy!
And so to you all, as you face the test,
Happy Smorgasbord to you, and to you all my best!